Happiness
Introduction
Very early in my life I started to think about happiness. It seemed so strange to me as a kid, to see so many people agreeing on the importance of happiness, but almost no one I knew actually being happy. It seemed like people liked only the idea of it. People liked to dream about it, people liked to hear about it, people liked to see it in movies. So many films show happy worlds, happy families and happy people. If you ask people why almost nobody is happy, what you usually get as an answer is something like "Well sure it would be nice to live a perfect happy life, but life is hard! It is full of things you don't want to do. You have to go to school, you have to work to pay for everything. You have responsibilities. Also the world can be a horrible place. Look at the news. How can anyone be happy in a world like this?" And this is were the early philosopher in me awoke. Is this really all there is to say?
On this page I want to introduce an idea. The idea of living a happy live in a very hands-on practical approach. At first I will try to motivate a happy life a little bit. If you don't think there is a need to motivate it, ask yourself this: You might agree that a lot of people have an idea of what would make them happier, but very few of them act upon it. Why is that?
Why be happy?
The question seems unnecessary, but I think it is an important one. Happiness has its price. To prioritise happiness over other things means sacrificing some other things. Let me give you an example.
Let's say you're good with numbers. Always have been. You study economics, because you listened to advice from your teachers and your parents. Shortly after you graduate a big bank offers you a well paid position. It includes extra hours, colleagues who love success more than anything and a boss who only cares for profit. Nobody shares your passion for numbers. You have responsibilities in your personal life. Maybe you have children, you have your parents to take care of. With the money you make, you can keep up, but there is one thing you know for sure: You are not happy. You hate your job. You hate everything about it. You wake up in the morning and you're annoyed already because you have to go. You don't sleep well. What do you do? You complain about your job, but that's just what everyone does, is it? Your friends keep telling you that's just life. The earth orbits the sun and people hate their bosses. One day you have an idea. There is this math problem you are really interested in and you would like to go back to university to work on that. You would have to study math first and work in bars and restaurants to have at least some income, but you just feel it. You're not sure if it would make you happy, but there is something there...
I will get into all the details of situations and decisions like this, but for now let's just focus on what it comes down to. If you decide on giving up your job, you also give up the money and everything that comes with it. Also maybe your friends and parents wouldn't understand. Maybe they would be disappointed even. "Think about all the things you have! So many people would give everything for what you have!" This is the price for happiness. In the worst case, it's everything you have. This is where my theory comes in. I claim happiness to be so important, that even if you have to give up everything for something and you're not even sure about that something really making you happy, it is still the right something to try. To try whatever it is you think would make you happy would be part of a life that is also referred to as "A life worth living".
Well that doesn't really shine a good light on happiness, does it? All this sacrifice. What for? And why would I write all this? Wasn't the idea to motivate a happy life? The reason is simple. I want you to take this serious. Maybe you have friends who actually understand what you are after. Maybe your parents actually want you to be happy and support you in trying something new. People have the tendency on making the problem smaller than it is to make it easier to overcome. "Just try it!", "Just do it!", "Great idea! Just quit your job tomorrow let's go.","Your dad will understand, don't worry.". Advice like this is well intended, but naive. Decisions like this are hard to do and require courage. You have to be willing to lose a lot. Risk everything. If you don't, it is very unlikely of you to make that decision, because your subconscious mind knows the danger. Powerful basic instincts will kick in to prevent you from doing such a stupid thing as risking everything you have, because it doesn't really matter how unhappy you are, at least you are save.
How do I even know whether I'm happy or not?
Well so far it seems like this text is just a series of pretty stupid questions. It should be easy to find out how happy you are, no? Happiness is a feeling and you know how you feel ... well, but do you?
There is a term for what I want to mention here and it is: self-awareness. This term became very popular within the last years and it means a lot of different things in a lot of different contexts. As I said before, I want to pursue a practical approach so here are some indicators of your happiness:
You do a lot of things you actually don't want to do. You have a lot of things on your plate, but all you do is distract yourself with things you don't really want to do in the hope of them making you feel good. You sink into your addictions. You drink a lot, you smoke a lot, you eat a lot of sugar, you take a lot of drugs, you jump into relationships.
You can't stand being alone. In my opinion, being alone is a test. You are confronted with someone, you distract yourself from a lot: yourself. Try to be with yourself and try to reflect a little. Are you ok with yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you like what you are doing?
The third person perspective: For some reason people are way better in having empathy for others than for themselves. Imagine meeting a long time friend. One glance at that person and you already know a lot about how they feel and how they are in general. Before you even started talking, you know a lot already. If you know somebody well enough, you even know whether they just pretend to be happy. Try to establish something like this for yourself. Imagine meeting yourself like this and try to find out how you are.
How to be happy?
First of all I want to say, that my approach is based on research in the relatively new field of positive psychology. The idea here is that there are things you can do to improve your well-being. The founder of positive psychology Martin Seligmann was interested in things people could do independently of what they are suffering from psychologically. It is a little bit like drinking water in medicine. It doesn't really matter, what sickness you are suffering from or what wounds of yours need healing, drinking water probably helps. The question Seligmann tried to answer is: Is there something like water for the mind? The basis of my how-to-be-happy approach is a concept in the field of positive psychology: the PERMA Model (https://positivepsychology.com/perma-model/)
PERMA
Positive Emotions
Out of the five columns this is the easiest to get, but also the most dangerous, because people get lost in it. Generally speaking this topic includes activities, which make you feel good for a reasonable amount of time. Things that make you think "Well that was fun!" afterwards and maybe put a smile on your face. Here are a few random examples. It's impossible to make a complete list, which works for everyone. You should have your own list. Your own personal fun list. Like ... literally! Or learn it by hard. And here is why: In times of hardship and suffering our mind is not capable of accessing things, which are fun, because that's not how our mind works. The fun part of our brain is only activated, when there is at least some fun going on. Without fun there is no way of finding out how to get there. The world seems so horrible, that there is simply no option of anything being fun. So why even bother looking it up? So again: Write it down. Now back to the list:
Go outside: Spend some time in the sun, get some fresh air. Especially when you didn't get a lot of it recently.
Watch something fun. Something that made you laugh a lot last time you watched it. Something reminding you of fun times.
Listen to music you like. Find songs that make you feel good.
Spent time with people you care about.
Travel
Help someone. This is literally the fastest way of getting positive emotions. Do something good. Help a friend. Help some random person on the street. Do something for someone and focus on the effects. Feel the gratefulness in others.
Reflect on what is happening and focus on the positive things. It is hard to imagine, but I swear I could find something positive in pretty much everything. No matter how horrible your day was. Try to find it. Go on the search for it. It is detective work. Especially when it's dark and there is little light.
Be grateful. People write a lot about this. In pretty much every inspirational post, you see it. I think it is not that easy, because this has a dark part. Think about what you have and how cool it is to have it. Things you worked for, things you're good at, things - and here it comes - you have and others don't. Most of these things only work in comparison with others, which is ok. Don't feel bad for other people who want something you have. One day they might have something you want. Would you want them to feel bad about it?
Get a hobby. Doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it's fun for you. People are so different. It's impossible to recommend anything, but there is one thing, which is really important here. Don't give a sh** what people think about your hobby. You like to dress up as a cat and dance to heavy metal? Fine. But not only fine. Great! But not only great. I think you even have a responsibility to do these things, because they give you positive emotion.
Engagement
Engagement means many things, but what I mean by it in this context is more a state of mind. It is the state of mind you're in when you do something, that requires all your attention. There is nothing you could do at the same time. There is no capacity left to think about anything. You wouldn't even say you're conscious. Or that you're thinking. There is no "oh no I forgot to buy milk" or "I should really lose some weight" or "I need a promotion". What are these activities you're asking? Well again this is very individual. But I promised to be practical, so here are some ideas. Please don't take these set in stone. Learn to get to know you. Find out what is engaging to you and do it regularly.
Make music in a group. You play an instrument? Nice. You can sing? Nice! You think you are not good enough to play in a band or project? That's very unlikely. It doesn't really matter how good you are as long as you are part of something. Something you can lose yourself in, but also something that is challenging.
Team Sports. There are so many team sports. Pick something with a lot going on. Something where you have to focus a lot. Also consider things, which are not really sports like chess. The important thing is, that you zone in completely.
Dance.
Fix something. Best would be something that is dear to you. Could be a wobbly table, but could also be a sad looking plant. Also maybe your laptop might be doing something, that has been bothering you for years now. The only thing keeping you from wearing your favourite jacket is its broken zipper? Well get to it then. Do it properly. Take your time. Do your research and get lost in it.
Anything. Actually you can engage in pretty much anything if you practice it a little bit. Try to be extremely aware of what is going on around you. Focus on something. You can practice this. Just stand still, take some time and focus on a tree you're passing. Take your time. Focus on the details of it. There will be a lot to discover.
Positive Relationships
This is a tricky one. We all have relationships to at least some people. We have relationships with family, with friends, with partners, with colleagues. But how can you tell which of them are positive? And if they're not, how can you fix them?
The topic of relationships is such a complex one, I could write hundreds of books now and we only would have scratched the surface. That is exactly the reason why, again, I will only supply a list of practical things you can do to have more of this.
Sounds a little weird, but check your friends. Do they treat you like you want to be treated? Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean they always have to be nice to you and tell you how perfect you are. You want people around you who will tell you when something you say or do is wrong. Of course this should only happen when they are right in doing so. The important thing is they want the best for you and they care about you. If you feel like they don't, let them know. And be precise.
Spend time with people who want you to grow. Let's say something really good happens to you and you tell someone about it. Do they tell you how happy they are for you? Do they really mean it? Or do they tell you about that time when something similar happened to them and how much better that was? Do they tell you that it's not that great at all? Well you probably guessed it already. Spent more time with people from the former category and less time with people from the latter.
Have people you can count on. These days nobody really has time. Everyone is spending all their time becoming better, faster, richer and more beautiful. The older you get, the less time people have, which is fine, but sometimes you really need help with something. Sometimes you don't know where to turn or whom to turn to. Find people who are not there often, but who are there when it's important. If that is your mom, fine. If it's your best friend, fine. If it's a neighbour, fine.
Well we all know what we're thinking of hearing the term relationship. What we're thinking of is the "I'm in a relationship" meaning of the term which I will refer to as romantic relationships. First some practical advice for people already in a relationship. I might do an extra chapter here on that, but for now I will only say this: talk to each other. Say what you feel and why you think that is. Don't be more critical than you need to, but when something is really bothering you, say it. But this goes also in the positive direction. Tell your partner what positive feelings you have about them and what you like about them. Show them who you are, set your boundaries, but be flexible when something is not really that important to you.
Ok that's fine, but what if I'm not in a romantic relationship, but really want one? Well here is my first advice: be happy. Work on yourself. Become someone you like and it will work on others. Also get out more. Use apps and platforms and events. Go to places where chances are high you meet someone you like. Don't be afraid. Love is the best feeling out there.
Meaning
Here we are, looking for a meaning of things. First I want to make clear, that what is happening here, is in some sense what I think one could consider the meaning of life. But not in a "Why are we here? Who put us here? Why do we exist?" kind of way. What I want to suggest is a meaning for your life specifically. The question I am trying to answer here is more or less something like this: "Well, I have this life. I can do a lot of different things with it. What can I do to make it meaningful?"
What I would like to talk about first is the job position you're pursuing, because that is what people usually mean, when they think about their life. There are other things, which are able to give meaning, like having children, but that is not what I want to talk about here. Similar to the question I raised above, the question I would like to answer first is something like this: "Well, I have to have a job, because I need money. What can I do to find a job, that is meaningful to me?"
To go on with this, first I need you to believe in something: There is at least one job on this world, that makes you happy. And by that I mean "Waking up and looking forward to start working" - kind of happy. I don't believe in something like "the job you were made for" or "the reason why you are here" and you shouldn't either. Just think about it this way: You have a very unique and special set of potential competences. And what this potential is, is not just by pure chance. Why would it be? My claim here is this: Imagine there is a small town somewhere and in this town, there is a need for water. There is some water, but something is wrong with the pipe system and sometimes the water is just gone. Every single person living in this town constantly complains about the water problem. I claim, that it is very likely, that in this town there will be a person growing up, who has not only the potential of becoming a damn good water system engineer building a new water delivery system, but will also have a lot of fun doing it. It would make no sense at all for nature to produce people who are not capable of having fun doing something, that actually helps at least some people around them.
So if you're on board with this, lets find a job for you, no? Of course depending on the job, money comes into play. Don't get me wrong. I know money is important, but exactly how important is it? Is it so important, that you spend your whole life working in a job, you actually hate? I think depending on how horrible the job really is, the answer should be no. But this is also not really a yes or no question. Of course you should consider how much you'll earn, but as I said in the introduction: Happiness has it's price.
Because finding a job you love is so complex, I'll put this on a separate page.
Achievement
Achievement is a topic, you probably have heard of already. The basic idea is to set goals and achieve them. Sounds easy but it's really not. Simply because it's very hard to fool yourself. What I mean by that is, that it's impossible to set a goal like "Tomorrow I will eat bread", even though your doing that everyday already, and then achieving it giving you some sense of happiness. If you ask me, I would say that setting a goal is even harder than achieving it, because it has to be just right. It can not be too high, because it'll be too hard to achieve it and then you will be frustrated and will lose interest in goals in general. Also your goal can not be too low, because you'll just make a fool of yourself. If something really wasn't hard at all, you'll know it. And that's also kind of the essence of it: You're goal has to be hard to achieve. Otherwise it's not really a goal at all, is it? So don't look for easy ways out, because there are none.
Here are some practical tips on how to set your goals:
Set long-term goals: Besides picking goals to achieve in the near future, you should also have something in mind for where you will be many years from now. Aim high here. Why? Because there will be a lot of steps on the way, you don't know much about. And because of that, you also don't know how hard it will be for you to make these steps. So why assume it will be impossible? Who knows, maybe there is more in you, than you think. Be careful with long-term goals too. Don't pick something and stick with it whatever happens. You will learn something along the way and adjust the goal or maybe pick something completely different. Just make sure there is always a star on the horizon you set sail to. It doesn't really matter which star it is exactly but if you have no star at all, you will just be lost. What you want is path to follow. A path you can break down in smaller steps.
Short-term goals depend a lot on who you are and what you can expect of yourself. For some people in this world, who are maybe dealing with depression, it is close to impossible just to get out of bed. So a good goal for these people would be very different from getting a promotion. Pick something you have reason to believe will make you happy. Looking at the moonrise on a lake. Building a wooden table. Buying a nice bike. Learning how to play an instrument. Also consider things I mentioned in the other sections.
Whenever you achieve a goal, celebrate! What that exactly means is entirely up to you. High five yourself in the mirror, party with friends, have a nice dinner, buy something just for yourself. Try to be happy about whatever you achieved for as long as possible. Be aware of it. The better you make it feel, the more your body will gain momentum for the next achievement.
Again: How to know what to pick? What does actually make me happy? Well first of all I want to say, that I think, what specific goal you pick doesn't matter that much. Achievement itself has value. This is again very different from person to person. I found some hints on what you should look closer at maybe: Look at what you are consuming. You like tv shows about a specific thing? Maybe that's a hint. What kind of people are you admiring? Maybe they are doing something you should try as well. What small thing are you doing in your free time, you are actually really looking forward to? Maybe you should go more into that.
First of all, whoever you are, thank you for reading this. You already did something from my list. You did something to for me and that alone should make you feel a little more happy. I hope this text helps you to find happiness. Please let me know what you think. Also there is one more point: When I was first introduced to practical advice like this, I thought, I was already doing some of the suggestions, so I'm probably good. Well this is not how this works. You shouldn't do only one thing excessively, simply because it won't work. All these things have their limit. Try to work in all areas and most importantly: Get to work. Try something new. Explore.